| Things On My Mind |
[Jan. 26th, 2005|12:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
Once in a while i really think about something serious, but that's only at night when its dark and i'm alone. I'm not sure why but I like being alone, the darkness and just thinking about what's really going on and what I really think about. I haven't really been doing that lately; I mean i'm not sure if ppl really know me or how I can actually think deep thoughts. Tonight is the 1st time I'm actually thinking about my life and how I feel deep deep down inside. Since I've been back I haven't really thought about being depressed or anything like that.
Everything inside me doesn't feel right anymore; I'm starting to feel confused again and uncertain why I feel like shit. People might see me as a happy person but really they don't see the real me; all they see is what I want them to see. I feel like I want to be with people but I also want to be by myself and think about stupid things like how no one wants me around and how I have nothing in my life. I'd rather feel sorry 4 myself instead of happy. Right now; at this moment I don't have an answer or an idea of what I want and what to do. My heart feels like its nothing; I don't feel happy, sad, angry or anything. The emotions I have have no meaning to me anymore, I understand it yet I kind of don't. The confusion is making me worry about how I really feel and understand what to do.
I have a feeling that my friends back in China really doesn't care about me; I'm sure that they do but I just have a feeling that they really don't. It's like I annoy them whenever I'm around and they don't want to tell me because it might hurt my feelings. And whenever I feel like that it gets me depressed and regretting for ever going to China and i still don't want 2 go to China. I don't know what to do!! |
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| Halloween isn't goin to be the same!!!!! |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|04:07 pm] |
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AWWWWW!!!!!!!! halloween is comin' up in 4 days and i'm in china where not alot of people care for halloween. they suk!!!! ne waz, i'll be back in 2 months so don't worry people i'll be home and then we'll have alot of fun, i think. ahhhh stupid dog!!!!!!! sorry!! my frens' bought a dog well a puppy and he doesn't want to take care of it so my roommate and i are goin to take care of him for like 6 days, and right now he's like biting me all the time and just chewing on things and takin a shit and peein in places. thank god now he's asleep he's so cute and ANNOYING but thats ok. my roommate and i bought some fishes and turtles (as pets not eating) but most of our fishes died so we have like 4 fishes and 2 turtles; both of us are like BAD pet owners. well not alot has happened EXCEPT i met a half australian and half chinese guy. he doesn't really look like he's chinese, he doesnt speak chinese at all and he is 15. oh yea and he's REALLY REALLY CUTE. or FIONE as ghetto people say it well i say it anyways. i'm just goin to tell you i've been to too many bars and dance clubs since i've been here. guess what; i'm allergic to beer but not hard liquor. don't ask me how i know this i just do. this halloween i think (most likely) i'm goin to a club or bar. iono if my bf is goin to go with me, i hope not cuz i might to chillen wit the australian guy. i'm not playin on him or ne thin but i just feel like he really doesn't want to be with me and plus i can make fren's right? of course i can. hehe!! lol jk jk!!! i would never do that to ne 1 dat's hella messed up. awwww halloween, my mom's bday, thanksgiving, christmas, and new years all the things i'll be missing this year; wait i'm not goin to miss christmas and new years i'm coming back before christmas like a few days b4 christmas YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! hehe!!! |
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| AWWW SHIT |
[Oct. 15th, 2004|01:51 pm] |
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i'm not sure what to say but i feel better now; well kind of. I'm still havin' alot of problems but they're not so big. I actually got to talk to my sister yesterday; i was really happy. She misses me alot and that she's busy with work and school. My best friend, kitty, also called me, i was really happy. I hope she feels better and what nots. I will come back in December and will be able to hang out with my friends that i like. lol!! jk!! or am i. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2004|08:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Fuckin' pissed and alone | ] |
I wrote this in my xanga; i don't want to say anymore. For the past couple of days i've been ok but then now i just feel really crappy, i don't want to be here anymore and i can't do anything about it. i want to go home and talk with my sister and my friends; i want to tell them why i'm so sad but i can't. i have no way of commuicating with them since i don't have there numbers and they seem to either not have my number or is to busy to even call me. You know what pisses me off the most, the only person that actually calls me is my mom and SOMETIMES just SOMETIMES my sister, Salina. If you guys miss me so much why don't you call me and ask me how i am. Not even my best friends even call me; i know that they're busy but still don't you have at least a little time to just call me. It just makes me think that you just say you miss me but you really don't. Some of you guys actually know how i am and how i act towards things. And don't say that you don't have my number I PUT IT IN MY DAMN XANGA!!! You know i don't have any family here or any friends that i can actually talk too. Do you know how hard it is to be trying to make sure that the people around you don't know what's wrong with you? No you don't, sometimes i can't even speak with them; there's no one here that can actually speak english and can actually help me if i have a problem. all they do is either just laugh about it or just forget it. I don't even know why i even thought that coming here would be a good idea. I hate my life. i hate china, i hate myself for even thinkin' about coming here. But now i think i know, i now know who are really my friends, who really care about me and who actually wants me back. Now i really wished that i have killed myself. I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! to make your life easier don't ever talk to me again, don't call me, don't even write on my xanga or leave me a message on my cell back home or anything. i don't need anyone's sympathy. You guys can just leave i'm use to it now. I'm use to being alone. I've always been alone. |
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| AiYa!!!! |
[Sep. 26th, 2004|12:21 pm] |
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On Friday, i didnt feel like going to class so i just slept in, but my roommate wanted to get a haircut so we went in the city and we both got haircuts, i like her haircut BUT i hate mine, i look like 1 of those chinse girls, like thin layered hair, i hate my hair do much. Anywayz, we ate at McDonalds afterwards, its much better over here then in San Francisco, here there sandwiches are much bigger and taste SOOO good. It was my first eating it in China, after we ate, we went back home; it was 3 pm when we got back to our dorm. At 8pm my roommate, my boyfriend, his roommate, and I went to a friends house, we just hung out until 10pm then we went to a club called, "Gipsy King Bar" it was loud and good, my boyfriend's roommate's brother made me drink, he said "you drink right" i said, "no its ok" then he said "come on just a little" i finally did. They were all older then me, i was the youngest there, Baryalai, my boyfriend, kept hiding his drink but then we finally made him drink. we had russian vodka with orange juice, it was pretty good, i kept pouring my drink into Baryalai's cup, but his friend said if i poured it in another cup then they would add more vodka, so i finally drank it, i had about 4 cups. I cant really handle alcohal very well, so i didn't want to get there drunk, but my boyfriend on the other hand, he couldn't handle himself; he kept telling me that he can handle himself but i couldnt so i should stop drinking. he said it every 5 mins. so i knew that he was drunk. he drank about 15 glasses, i kept giving mine to him, that's why. i kinda kept making him drink, muahahahahahah!!!!! well round 2am we finally left and during the ride, my bf accidently threw up on me, we stopped the taxi and hosed him down and my arm also, he was pissed face drunk. He didn't stop throwing up but after a while he finally stopped, the rest of us just ate cuz we were hungry so we aint on the sidewalk, there was a a cart thing where they make food, while we ate he just slept on the side walk. then i started to feel like i was going to throw up, but i didnt; Baryalai and I were the only 1 that gets really affected by drinking, well of course we were the youngest there, but he's 20 and my roommate is 20 also, but my roommate drank before and my by never done it. well we decided to go back my friends house since it was 3am and we couldnt really go back to the dorm, on the way over there, my bf started to throw up again and he started to get really cold. well we FINALLY got home or there, we went to sleep, i slept with my bf in 1 room, my roommate, sasha, slept in another room, and my bf's roommate, Hamid, slept on the couch. We both didn't get up until 11am round 4pm we got back to the dorm and i HAD to take a shower, i felt much better but Baryalai still didn't feel so good, so i stayed with him in his dorm. Hamid was staying at his brother's house, the friends house that we stayed at, i slept in his dorm and that's it. I went back to my dorm in the morning. We live right next door; i'm 511 he's 513, so we're literally neighbors. I had so much fun this weekend, it was pretty funny. I'm just glad i dont have any of my family here or i would have been in trouble. |
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| Blah!!! |
[Sep. 22nd, 2004|09:23 pm] |
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not much has happened lately. my boyfriend and i had some difficult times, we werent sure if we felt comfortable together but now we're all better; he's the greatest guy i've ever met. i've never met anyone like him, well i've never met anyone that is from another country. he's such a gentlemen and it drives me crazy sometimes, when he sees me he always bows and says "ni hao" i'm like "hi" or "ni hao". the weird thing is that he said the loves me; i was hella shocked about that, in such a sort time he already loves me. i told him that its not really love but he wont believe me; so i finally said fine fine, i cant really do anything to stop him from thinking. anyways, i found out that Oct.1-Oct.7 i have no classes; i'm not sure what to do, i'll probably be with my boyfriend, oh by the way his name is Baryalai, pronounciation is (Bar-e-o-ly) its an interesting name; the first time i heard it iw as like uh i cant say that. i found out that i really really like him, not love him of course but i really do wanna be with him forever but that cannot happen because he's parents want him to marry and since i'm only 16 and he's 20; he needs to marry someone that is able to get married. my parents will kill me if i got married this young. i know that i've said that i dont want to be here but since i've met him i do; he's the best thing that happened to me since i've been here. you ppls needs to get a phone card and call me, you gots my #; plz call me i'm so bored over here and i have noone to really talk about the things that i need to talk bout. *cough* kitty. well i miss everyone so much and i'll be back in December; i'll call if anyone wants me to, just call my house and tell my mom or sister that you want me to call you. |
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| Bored |
[Sep. 12th, 2004|11:04 am] |
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I'm so bored here, its not even funny. I stayed in the dorm the whole day yesterday, it was saturday and today is sunday, but yea. the people that work on the 1st level, they helped me with my mandarin and it was ok. I really wanna come home, its been really hot lately well of course its china. I hope every1 bak at home is enjoying themselves. |
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| Missing u 2 |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|04:12 pm] |
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i'm so sorry i left kitty, had i known that u would b like this i wouldnt have left. i love u so much, i've never had a fren like u and i appreciate that u came up 2 me and said, "hi" i miss u so much, i promise when i come back that i'll stay there. i dont want u 2 b sad and i would die if i made u hurt or ne thing like that. i miss u so much and i will tell u everything that has happened here and what nots. i kinda dont really like it here, i wish i was home but my mom has payed the due until december and thats when i come back so i'll tell my mom that i dont want 2 go bak. anyways, u still have 2 help me with this LJ background and how 2 post on other ppls journals. well i'll write agen. |
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| What what what???? |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|08:57 pm] |
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4 some reason i cant seem 2 post on kitty's thingy, of course the fuckin words r in chinese. Shit i really wish i new how 2 read chinese. Oh well!!! dats y i'm here, 2 learn lovely lovely chinese *rolls eyes* ne waz, i dont have alot 2 say, i actually found the canteen, the food made me kinda sick but its ok i feel better now. i still what 2 see pix of ppl, kitty??? and u no know who i'm talkin bout. lol!!! well gots nothin else 2 say bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|05:25 pm] |
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oh yea!! kat can you plz make my journal look pretty cuz i gots no idea how 2 use it. thx!!! love ya!1 |
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| China |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|05:16 pm] |
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hey kitty, i know the only person that looks at this is her so i can just tell her anything and no 1 else will care cuz they dont no this thingy. ne waz, guess what, i was watchin tv and they had japanese power rangers. i was like "WAHHHH" lol!!! aint that sumthing. and oh yea at my university theres like 200 foreigners and guess what some of them r japanese.(of course) i wish you were here, you would really like it, i think. i'm bored now, i dont really have ne hw, kinda. ok i do but i'm ata internet cafe so i cant really do it. lets see not alot has happened here, not very exciting yet. i dont have many frens here, i just dont feel like makin ne rite now, just a bit shy w/o you. hehe!! see thats how much i love you. ne waz yesterday was my 1st day of school and i didnt no ne mandarin and the wrost thing is the teacher only spoke in mandarin, she could speak in english but i think she wanted us 2 no it better. when she was talkin 2 me i was like "uhhhh i dont no mandarin" and they started skewl like 2 weeks ago so i'm really really behind, they're like on lesson 15, wow!! but its ok there are other ppl that just came 2. so i'm not alone. ne waz i miss my frens and family (not my dad of course) ne waz i g2g my wrist is hurting. i'll write when i get the internet or when i come bak here. |
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